(Again, this is one of those posts that is just for me. Don't feel like you have to read it. It's helping me heal.)
I am heartbroken.
I am so heartbroken that I physically ache. There's an emptiness inside of me and I can't shake it. It feels as if I've been punched in the stomach. I miss her so much. I know everything will get better with time.
I told Vance on Friday morning. He took it harder than I thought he would. He cried and asked lots of questions. After talking through everything we decided to draw pictures of Daisy in heaven, with her brand new wings, hanging out with her other doggie friends that would be waiting for her. He spent the rest of the day patting my back, giving me hugs, and handing me kleenex, telling me things like, "Daisy will be in our heart", "Daisy will feel better there", things like that.
We ended up taking her an hour early on Friday. Vaughnie wouldn't nap and it seemed that we were just standing around wasting time until it was time to go. We all spent lots of time with her that day and gave her lots of treats.
We all went in to the doctors office with her. After the paperwork and saying last goodbyes, Justin took the kids back out to the car. I stayed with Daisy. It was peaceful, but went too fast. I thought I'd have more time with her after they injected her. I stayed with her for a few minutes afterwards before saying my last goodbye. It was so hard walking out, leaving her there alone.
I know it was just her body, not her spirit, laying there. I'm guessing it was around 3:30 when Daisy earned her wings.
So, the thought that had initially made me sick to my stomach had become a reality. I walked in to the doctors with my dog and came out with only her collar.
I didn't realize that it would be this hard. I miss her so much. My mind has become my worse enemy. I've heard her so many times since she's been gone. Seen her too. The way our grill cover blows in the breeze has made me think she's at the door waiting to be let in. I keep telling myself that if I think through the events of her last day one more time that I'll feel better. When I do so, I just relive the pain. Being alone is awful, as it leads to me having nothing else to think about but her. The rain is killing me. She was terrified of storms and was always right by us, shaking and panting. Everything reminds me of her. Mealtimes are hard too. She was always right there by Vaughn's chair waiting for bites. She knew that when we were done with yogurt cups they were hers to lick. She knew on Saturday nights she'd get a Frosty Paw. After putting the kids to bed she would stand and look at us, like, "Come on! It's time!"
The house is so quiet and empty. Every room makes me think of her and I haven't had the heart to vacuum yet. I don't want her paw prints in the carpet to go away. Especially in front of her windows. It feels better to be out of the house but leaving and coming back home is hard. She'd always be there to see us off and watch us out the front window while driving away. I'd always wave to her. She'd always be there when we got back home and I'd always have to remind Vance to not let her out once he opened the door. My mind reminds me throughout the day to, "Better let Daisy out" and to "check to see if she has food and water", stuff like that. I expect to see her when I look in the backyard. I expect to see her looking out the front windows. I expect to see her sleeping next to Vance's bed. I miss her. Our morning and bedtime rituals have been different and what it comes down to is that I'm not good with change. It appears that my mind thinks that if I cry enough and wish that things were different that it will do just that. Fix everything. Make everything better.
I'm a mess. I know that it was Daisy's time to go. She was hurting. I know she's in a better place. I know that she loved us and know that she knew how much we loved her. We rescued her from an awful life and am grateful that we had 7.5 years with her. She was such a good dog. So funny, pretty, and such a unique personality. She had a great heart. We've been remembering the fun times that we've had with her and that helps me heal. It's a defense mechanism of mine to shut myself off from everyone else, to not talk about things when upset. But talking helps. Crying helps. I'm learning how to express more. Justin has been incredible during this time. He's got double duty of working through his own emotions and keeping me glued together. I'm thankful that I have him and my family that have helped me through this. I'm also thankful for everyone's comments and thoughts. It means so much that you've taken time to think about us.
I feel so much better getting that out.
When I'm ready I'll post the doggie stuff that we have. Maybe someone could use it. Heartworm pills, Flea stuff, food. I just bought her a bag last week....